When someone you care about is struggling with anxiety, it can be difficult knowing how best to help. You want to reassure them, encourage them and make things easier. Yet sometimes, despite your best intentions, nothing you say seems to make much difference.
You might find yourself checking whether your partner feels comfortable before suggesting something as simple as going out for a meal. Perhaps you have stopped making certain plans altogether, not because you don’t want to go, but because you know how difficult the conversation might become. You want to be understanding, but there may be times when you feel frustrated, helpless or even rather lonely.
In my work helping people with anxiety, I have come to appreciate how differently it can affect people. Some struggle with frightening physical sensations, others worry constantly about what might happen, while some find themselves avoiding situations they once enjoyed. The people around them are often affected too, although their difficulties may receive much less attention.
If you are wondering how to help someone with anxiety, there are things you can do that make a genuine difference. Some involve what you say, others are more about what you do, and occasionally it means recognising when your well-intentioned efforts may not be helping quite as much as you hoped.
1. Listen Before Trying to Solve the Problem
When someone tells you they are anxious, the natural response is often to look for a solution. You might suggest another way of looking at the situation, explain why something is unlikely to happen or remind them that they have managed similar experiences before. There is nothing necessarily wrong with any of those suggestions. The difficulty is that the person may not be ready to hear them.
Sometimes they simply want you to understand what they are experiencing. Instead of immediately offering advice, try asking what is troubling them most. Give them an opportunity to explain, even if what they say seems difficult to understand. You don’t have to agree with every fear to recognise that the fear itself is real.
2. Take Their Anxiety Seriously, Even When You Don’t Understand It
Imagine being frightened of something that other people appear to manage without a second thought. It might be travelling on a train, attending a family gathering or making a telephone call. To you, the situation may seem perfectly ordinary. To the person experiencing anxiety, it may feel overwhelming.
Comments such as “There’s nothing to worry about” or “You’re making too much of it” rarely help, even when they are intended to be reassuring. What matters is recognising the difference between how you experience a situation and how they experience it. You might say, “I know this feels difficult for you. Is there something in particular you’re worried about?” That simple question can open up a conversation that might otherwise end in frustration.
3. Ask What Helps Rather Than Guessing
People experience anxiety differently, and what one person finds comforting may make another feel worse. Someone experiencing panic might appreciate having you sit quietly beside them. Another person may prefer a little space. Some want to talk about what is happening, while others find conversation difficult until the feeling has passed. Rather than assuming, ask.
It can be particularly helpful to have this conversation when the person is feeling relatively calm. You might discover that they would appreciate something quite different from what you have been doing. And don’t be surprised if what helps changes from one situation to another. There doesn’t have to be a perfect response that works every time.
4. Be Careful About What You Say When Anxiety Rises
It can be upsetting to see someone you love becoming increasingly anxious, particularly when you feel powerless to change what is happening. You may find yourself talking more quickly, offering several suggestions or repeatedly asking whether they are all right. But when someone is feeling overwhelmed, too many questions can become another thing they have to deal with.
Sometimes a calm voice and a few straightforward words are more helpful. You could ask whether they would like you to stay with them, or simply remind them that there is no need to explain everything immediately. If your partner experiences panic attacks, it is worth discussing beforehand what they would find helpful during an episode. Knowing what they prefer can make those moments less frightening for both of you.
5. Understand the Difference Between Comfort and Reassurance
Reassuring someone you care about feels like a kind thing to do, and often it is. If your partner is worried about an upcoming appointment, you might remind them that they have prepared carefully and that you will be there if they need you. But sometimes reassurance becomes something the person needs repeatedly.
They might ask whether you are certain everything will be fine, then ask again a few minutes later. Each answer brings a little relief, but the uncertainty soon returns. Gradually, you may find yourself spending more and more time answering questions that neither of you can really settle. Rather than providing the same reassurance indefinitely, it can help to acknowledge the uncertainty while offering support. You can be understanding without feeling responsible for making every uncomfortable thought disappear.
6. Notice When Anxiety Begins Organising Both Your Lives
This is something that can happen so gradually that neither person notices it at first. You might start driving your partner everywhere because public transport makes them anxious. Perhaps you make excuses when invitations arrive, take over telephone calls or arrange holidays around situations they feel able to manage. Initially, these adjustments may seem small. You are simply trying to make life easier.
But over time, you may discover that anxiety has started influencing decisions that affect both of you. There will always be occasions when changing plans is sensible or necessary. Supporting someone doesn’t mean insisting they face every difficult situation. The important thing is to notice the pattern and talk about it together. Are these arrangements helping you enjoy life, or are they gradually making your world smaller?
7. Encourage Small Steps Without Pushing
Watching someone avoid things they once enjoyed can be particularly difficult. You might remember how much your partner loved meeting friends, going away for weekends or visiting new places. Naturally, you want them to begin doing those things again. But encouragement can easily begin to feel like pressure.
A better starting point is to understand what makes a particular situation difficult and what might help them feel more able to approach it. Someone experiencing anticipatory anxiety may spend days worrying about an event that lasts only an hour or two. It may not be the event itself that causes the greatest difficulty, but everything they imagine happening beforehand.
A smaller, manageable step may be more useful than expecting them to return immediately to everything they once did. The aim is to help them regain confidence in their own ability to cope, rather than relying on you to make every situation feel safe.
8. Make Room for Conversations That Aren’t About Anxiety
When anxiety becomes a significant part of someone’s life, it can begin to dominate conversations. How are you feeling today? Are you worried about tomorrow? Do you think you’ll manage on Saturday? These questions usually come from concern. But imagine being asked about your anxiety so frequently that it becomes the main thing people seem to notice about you.
There is still a person there with interests, opinions, humour and plans for the future. Try to make room for ordinary conversations too. Talk about something you watched together, a place you would like to visit or something amusing that happened during the day. You don’t have to ignore anxiety. Just don’t let it become the only subject you share.
9. Remember That Anxiety Isn’t Always Visible
Some people show their anxiety quite openly. Others become remarkably good at hiding it. Your partner might attend a social occasion, join in conversations and appear perfectly comfortable, only to tell you afterwards how exhausting the whole experience was. Or they may become unusually quiet, irritable or withdrawn when something is troubling them.
It is easy to misunderstand these changes, particularly when you don’t know what is happening beneath the surface. Someone experiencing social anxiety may appear distant when they are actually concentrating very hard on saying the right thing or worrying about how others perceive them. Try not to assume you always know what a particular behaviour means. A gentle question may tell you much more than an interpretation.
10. Help Without Taking Over
There is a difference between helping someone and gradually doing everything they find difficult. You might answer calls on their behalf, order their food in restaurants or speak for them when meeting unfamiliar people. Sometimes that help is genuinely appreciated and appropriate. But if it becomes the usual arrangement, the person may have fewer opportunities to discover what they can manage themselves.
It is worth asking whether they would like your help or would prefer to try something independently. You could offer to be nearby while they make a telephone call, rather than automatically making it for them. These may seem like small distinctions, but they can matter. Supporting someone also means allowing them the opportunity to recognise their own capabilities.
11. Encourage Professional Help Without Making It an Ultimatum
There may come a point when you feel that reassurance, understanding and practical adjustments are no longer enough. Perhaps anxiety is affecting your partner’s work, relationships or ability to enjoy everyday life. You may have suggested getting help before, only to find that the conversation goes nowhere. It can be tempting to become increasingly insistent, particularly when you can see how much they are struggling.
But seeking help is a personal decision, and feeling pushed into it may create additional resistance. Try explaining what you have noticed and why you are concerned, rather than telling them what they should do. You might say that you miss doing certain things together, or that you can see how exhausting particular situations have become.
If they are interested, you could help them explore the options available, whether through their GP, a psychological therapist or another suitably qualified professional. The important thing is that seeking help feels like a possibility, rather than another demand.
12. Look After Yourself Too
Supporting someone with anxiety can take considerable emotional energy. You may find yourself constantly considering how they might react before making plans or discussing something difficult. Perhaps you have started putting your own interests aside, telling yourself that you will return to them once things improve. But your needs matter too.
You are allowed to see friends, enjoy your interests and occasionally feel frustrated by the situation. Looking after yourself doesn’t mean you care any less about the person experiencing anxiety. In fact, maintaining your own wellbeing may make it easier to offer thoughtful, consistent support.
It is also reasonable to explain when something is becoming difficult for you. A relationship should leave room for both people’s feelings, even when one person is having a particularly challenging time.
Finding Your Way Forward Together
Living alongside anxiety can be difficult for everyone involved. There may be misunderstandings, cancelled plans and moments when neither of you knows quite what to do next. But those difficulties don’t have to define your relationship.
It may begin with something relatively ordinary. Being able to suggest going out without immediately anticipating a difficult conversation. Enjoying an afternoon together without continually checking how the other person feels. Or seeing someone you care about begin doing things they had gradually stopped doing.
These changes are not always straightforward, and they rarely happen simply because someone has found the right words to say. What matters is understanding the difficulties you are both experiencing and finding ways to move forward without allowing anxiety to make every decision.
In my hypnotherapy practice, I work with people who experience anxiety in many different ways. I want to understand what is happening in their particular circumstances, what has become difficult and what they would like to feel more comfortable doing. If someone you care about is struggling with anxiety and would like to explore whether hypnotherapy could help, you are welcome to get in touch with me.
Frequently Asked Questions
Try to acknowledge how they are feeling without immediately offering solutions. Asking what they are finding difficult, or what they would find helpful, is often a good starting point. You don’t need to have all the answers to be supportive.
Reassurance is not inherently harmful, but repeatedly answering the same worries can sometimes reinforce a person’s need for certainty. The aim is not to withhold comfort, but to help them become more confident about managing uncertainty without constantly needing reassurance.
Gentle encouragement can be helpful, but pushing someone into situations they feel unable to manage may increase distress. It is usually better to discuss what makes the situation difficult and agree on manageable steps. Their preferences, circumstances and any professional guidance should be considered.
Remain calm, speak simply and ask what they need. Some people appreciate quiet company, while others prefer space. Avoid overwhelming them with questions or instructions. If symptoms are new, unusual or could indicate a medical emergency, seek appropriate medical assistance rather than assuming they are caused by panic.
Recognise that your needs matter too. Maintain your friendships, interests and routines where possible, and talk openly about arrangements that are becoming difficult. Being supportive does not mean taking responsibility for every aspect of another person’s anxiety.
Hypnotherapy is one approach that some people find helpful for managing anxiety. The work may involve exploring anxious responses, developing different ways of responding to difficult situations and building confidence. Its effectiveness varies, and it should not be presented as a guaranteed solution or a substitute for medical care when that is needed.