You have something to say. Perhaps you know the answer, have a question or simply want to join the conversation. But before you speak, you begin anticipating how the words might come out.
Will you get stuck? Will someone finish the sentence for you? Will you see that familiar expression cross their face?
When stammering and social anxiety become tangled together, the difficulty can extend far beyond speech. You might find yourself planning your day around avoiding conversations, even while wishing you had more people to talk to.
A reader’s letter to my advice column captured that loneliness particularly clearly.
letter from Mark
A Reader Who Wanted To Make Friends
Dear Karen
I am 22 and have been told that I have chronic social anxiety. I have always been a shy, self-conscious person. I live alone – I am a loner who is also lonely. I was bullied at school because I have a speech impediment and I am now terrified of being part of a group.
I have a job where I work mostly on my own and I have become expert at avoiding social situations – for example if people are making coffee in the office kitchen, I wait until it is empty before I go in and if anyone comes in after me, I have to leave. I know they all think I’m weird because it is weird to act like that. I am so tired of feeling tense and worried all the time. I feel like my life is on hold. I wish I could find a way to stop feeling so scared and uneasy around people. I desperately need to make some friends.
Yours, Mark
Edinburgh
Dear Mark
What stands out in your letter is how much you want to connect with people, and how much effort goes into protecting yourself when the opportunity appears.
Waiting for an empty kitchen may seem like a small detail to someone reading this. For you, it means checking whether the coast is clear before doing something as ordinary as making a drink. That is a tiring way to get through a working day.
Having been bullied about your speech, you have had real experiences of people being unkind. I wouldn’t dismiss that by simply telling you that nobody is judging you.
But the people at work are not necessarily responding as those children did. Part of our work would be to understand what you expect from them, what actually happens, and how much your earlier experiences are shaping the encounter before anyone has spoken.
For a broader explanation of how I approach these difficulties, you can read about my work with hypnotherapy for social anxiety.
When Earlier Experiences Follow You Into The Room
Being mocked can leave you watching closely for the next sign of ridicule.
A pause, a glance between two people or someone looking away may feel loaded with meaning. Perhaps you immediately assume they are impatient, embarrassed for you or trying not to laugh.
There may be other explanations, but it can be difficult to consider them while you feel exposed.
I would want to understand those moments in detail. What did you notice? What did it seem to mean? What did you feel you needed to do next?
Those questions help us work with your experience. Repeatedly telling yourself to be confident may not get very far if you are still expecting every conversation to end in humiliation.
Stammering Is Not A Failure Of Confidence
A stammer is not caused by being nervous, and fluent speech is not a measure of someone’s intelligence, confidence or worth.
You can know your subject thoroughly and still stammer. You can feel comfortable with someone and still have difficulty getting a word out.
That distinction matters because otherwise another burden gets added: the idea that if you could only relax properly, you would speak fluently.
My focus would be on the anxiety surrounding speaking, the fear of people’s reactions and the ways those fears are restricting your life. A speech and language therapist with experience of stammering can offer specialist support with communication and the experience of stammering itself.
You deserve to be listened to while you are finding your words.
How Avoiding Conversations Can Leave You Feeling Trapped
You have become skilled at avoiding situations that feel threatening. That makes sense given what you have been through.
The difficulty is that each escape can leave the original fear untested. You get through the day, but have little opportunity to discover what a conversation with that particular colleague might actually be like.
Over time, avoidance can become increasingly elaborate. You might choose an email over a call, change a word you expect to struggle with or decide not to ask a question.
I wouldn’t ask you to abandon every coping strategy at once. We would look at which ones are costing you the most, and agree a manageable place to begin.
Perhaps the first step would involve one person you find approachable. The purpose would be to practise a little more freedom, with enough support to learn from the experience.
What We Could Work On Together
In hypnotherapy, I would be interested in what happens as you anticipate speaking, as well as what happens during the conversation.
We might use hypnosis and mental rehearsal to explore remaining involved when a word takes time. Instead of mentally rehearsing someone’s impatience, you could practise giving yourself room to continue.
We could also explore the beliefs that bullying has left behind. Feeling embarrassed about how you speak can gradually become a much broader judgement about who you are.
The work would need to recognise that difference. Having a difficult speaking moment does not tell us whether you are interesting, likeable or worth getting to know.
Depending on what you need, I may combine hypnosis with cognitive behavioural techniques and practical exercises. We would review how those ideas carry into everyday situations, rather than judging progress only by how comfortable you feel during a session.
Friendship Does Not Require A Perfect Performance
You say you desperately want to make friends. I think that deserves to remain at the centre of the work.
It would be easy to become so focused on monitoring your speech that we lost sight of what you want to say, and who you want to say it to.
Imagine discovering a shared interest with a colleague. You ask a question because you are curious. They tell you something you didn’t know. You have something to contribute.
Perhaps you stammer during that exchange. The conversation can still be worthwhile.
That is a possibility worth making room for: being involved, having something to offer and allowing another person to get to know you, without making flawless speech the entry requirement.
A More Useful Way To Notice Progress
Progress might mean asking the question you would previously have kept to yourself. It might mean staying in a conversation rather than leaving at the first uncomfortable moment.
Perhaps you would spend less of the evening reviewing how you sounded, and remember something you enjoyed about the person you spoke to.
These changes would matter even if your speech continued to vary.
You don’t have to become someone who loves every social occasion. We would be working towards a life in which fear has less say over whom you meet and what you feel able to contribute.
If You Recognise Yourself In Mark’s Letter
You may have left school years ago and still find yourself bracing for the same reactions. Or perhaps your fear of speaking developed more recently.
You can tell me about the situations you avoid, the things you wish you could say and what would make everyday life feel easier.
At my practice in Tunbridge Wells, we can explore whether my approach is suitable for you. You are welcome to make that first contact in writing.